A few years into our marriage, my wife and I were drifting apart. She was no longer affectionate and pushed me away consistently. This went on for a few years. She would not be intimate. I talked to her about it, but she was also at a low point and couldn’t change. Our courtship before marriage was not a storybook tale either. She had several difficult relationships with others while we were just friends, some with people I knew well. I loved her but could not get myself to bury the past and build trust. She pushed and I resisted – then I fell for her. But it took an embarrassingly long time.

When we drifted apart several years into marriage, I didn’t know what I had done wrong. I started spending time with female friends from work. It was platonic, but gave me a sense of acceptance and self-worth. Months later, my wife had a big moment of quitting her job and growing close to me again, and we rekindled our relationship so quickly that I was shocked. I should have embraced this fully, and I thought I did. Of course I wanted to continue my friendships – and sometimes I stayed out after work instead of coming straight home. I invited my wife out with my friends at first, but she said they were not good people. I continued to see them. I never had a physical affair, and for a long time I didn’t think I was doing anything all that wrong because it wasn’t physical, and they were people from work, just out and telling stories. But I prioritized these female friends over my wife for a few years, and I now know why it was so agonizing for her. She has abandonment issues from childhood.

We have now been married 20 years and have two children. My wife has not been intimate with me for six years. She has had stretches of sadness and many periods of thriving – but she has no passion for me. We are otherwise wonderful friends.

I tried to do things that would reignite the romance – with some help from a counselor. I re-proposed to her a few years ago, and she didn’t want the ring. I got flowers sometimes. Nothing seemed to resonate. We’ve also had to spend a lot of attention (well and lovingly) on our children; one has special needs. I focused on providing and being a good father.

Several months ago, she said she wants a divorce. Since then, we’ve had the most honest discussions we’ve had in years. I’ve spent years trying to be a good husband and father, but apparently she didn’t think I really loved her, and that my behavior from a decade ago is disqualifying. Everything else I did in the last 10 years was either meaningless or the sort of thing to expect from a friend, from her point of view. After discussion, she now believes that I love her, but with so much pain for years, she doesn’t want to try to rekindle anything.

We had a few marriage counseling sessions in past years, but should have continued them. I might have gotten more accurate feedback and could have had this realization sooner. I want to seek counseling for us no matter where this leads. We both love our children immensely. We want them to have family life like it is now. We all genuinely get along and the kids are thriving.

But I want to rebuild a real marriage. I’ve asked for and received forgiveness, but she firmly believes it’s too late. I know that one person in love isn’t enough to make it work. I’ve devoted a lot of time working on myself to be a better man and father worthy of attraction and love. Our fundamental care for each other and our children binds us tightly. But she says she is “stuck” in something that is loving, but not a marriage. She would rather be free and try to find true love elsewhere, and somehow also keep family life with our kids, even all under the same roof, if possible. It hurts. And I feel so sorry for her, that she felt unloved for so long. Any insights on next steps would be helpful.

– Late Bloomer