Am I joining a "stable of men"?

Tuesday | November 21, 2023

Love Letters Dating

Am I joining a “stable of men”?

Wondering how to better navigate the apps? Thinking about whether your relationship is going anywhere? What’s on your mind about your relationship status as we go into the holidays? Send your anonymous question here. You can also email [email protected] or use this anonymous form.

I’m 25 years old and have been living in Boston for some time. Most of my relationships have been positive experience. They seem to happen by accident.

I was introduced to a friend of a friend this summer and this person is great. We seem to enjoy each other’s company. Great! But herein lies the problem.

When I was last at their house for a party, I was the last one to leave. They came over to me on the couch (with many other chairs empty around us) and complimented my voice and also asked to see my eyes. This caused me to have that funny feeling that comes from either indigestion or infatuation. It was the latter, but it’s also caused me to have just as much trouble as the former.

Then they sort of “bumped” up close to me on the couch, then scuttled back when I didn’t reciprocate. My ride arrived so I left, thanked them for their hospitality, and have chatted with them since.

All of this may sound good, but here’s the real issue at hand: I wonder if I am seeing signs that aren’t there, or worse, that I am just another “nice guy” desperate for a relationship. For context, this person has what we’ve jokingly called a “stable” of young-ish men. I’m worried that by trying to pursue a more romantic kind of relationship with this person I’ll show myself to be just another “horse” in the stable.

There is some evidence against this possibility. When we met a member of the “stable” at a convention, this person seemed uncomfortable at this guy’s presence and asked me to basically accompany them and give her an out to get away from this guy. I did so and thought nothing of it, having a great rest of the day and feeling like I was separated from that group in my friend’s eyes.

I would like to get to know this person better and we’ve agreed to meet again sometime early November. Should I try to show I’m interested in them and if so, how would be the way to do it? The last thing I want them to think is that I feel I’m entitled to anything for my “valiant service” of hanging out with them. But If there is something there, I’d like to pursue it. Any advice would be appreciated.

– Stable

Show you’re interested! You like this person, and they like you, it seems.

Tell them you’d like to try a real date and go from there. If the night goes well, you can ask about their relationship status. You can explain that you want to get to know them because you see potential for a great connection (if that’s the case).

If you’re someone who likes exclusivity, you can say that too. Then the two of you can decide whether it makes sense to proceed.

I can’t see a downside here. If they say they’re not interested, you’ll have an answer and you won’t have to stew anymore. They’re not your best friend, coworker, or roommate, I assume. It’ll be easy to take whatever space you need to get over any rejections.

You could take the passive route and wait to see if this friend makes a move on their own, but that seems more annoying than putting it all out there.

For the record, some people have a bunch of casual relationships until they meet someone who means more. (Back in the day, a friend used to call this “the bullpen” … people were rotating in and out of his romantic life, and there were always “possibilities” for short romances and attention.) Don’t judge this person’s system or assume they can’t switch gears and be with you in a more monumental way.

People change their relationship status all the time. Usually it starts with a brave conversation.

– Meredith

Readers? Would you pursue someone who had a pack of romantic options in the mix? How would you know you’re not like everyone else? What should the LW do next?

Crush Dating Friends Friends Without Benefits

Featured Comment

“‘This caused me to have that funny feeling that comes from either indigestion or infatuation.’ Yikes. You’re already worrying whether or not she’ll be exclusive with you jumping ahead 10 steps and meanwhile she tried to put the moves on you and you left. Is this really what 20-something guys brains are like? You seem very insecure and flighty. Women like a man who is grounded, stable, and secure. I would work on yourself.”

Helloworld13 Share Thoughts