I want to meet his family – or anyone

Monday | November 27, 2023

Love Letters Dating

I want to meet his family – or anyone

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Dear Meredith,

I’ve been with my boyfriend for seven months; I’m in my mid-30s and he’s in his early 40s. This is my first real adult relationship (rather than “situationship”), and it’s his first real relationship after his divorce. He has two kids and sees them frequently, which limits our time together. His kids come first, as it should be.

We often only see each other twice a week, maybe three times if the grandparents can babysit. He has met most of my family, but I haven’t met anyone at all in his world. He talks about having me meet his parents and kids, but no plans ever seem to materialize. I just don’t understand how we can deepen this relationship if we can’t spend more time together, and if he’s not letting me into his world.

I love him and I believe him when he tells me he loves me (which is frequently). I’d like to start thinking about moving in together next summer when our respective leases are up, but I don’t know how to broach the topic when we’ve got such a set schedule that never seems to grow. How can we find more time together? Is that the only way to deepen our relationship or help it move forward?

– Summer

Summer is soon! Sort of.

The holidays will fly by, spring hits, and by April or May people tend to know where they plan to live in June.

Based on the information you shared, it sounds like you’re far from the move-in stage. Even if he introduces you to the kids by 2024, he’ll probably want to give them time to adjust to you being in their lives. Maybe he’ll need to negotiate a new set of boundaries with his ex. That can take … well, longer than a few months.

Things can be slow when you’re dating a single parent. Even if next steps come, the pauses in between might feel big.

Try to be patient. Slow might be better in the long run.

I do think it’s a fair time to tell him that you want to meet someone important in this life – parents, best friends, anyone who matters. You can’t make decisions about him without seeing other parts of his world. It’s not fair to shut you out and keep you guessing.

Ask him to put a date on the books for that kind of community introduction. See if he can get that far. If not, there’s a bigger problem here.

If you do meet a parent or friend and all goes well, ask about his timeline for the kids. Is it appropriate to meet them after a year of dating? Would it help to get to know them in a larger group of friends?

This will be easier to talk about if he can make Step 1 happen. Really, it shouldn’t be that difficult to introduce you to another adult, unless there’s something he’s not telling you. Maybe he fears that as soon as you join his community for real, things will get more complicated. Perhaps he’s worried that a stressful reality will take over what has otherwise been a simple and joyful courtship.

Let him know the two of you have mastered the easy stuff. It’s time for for things to get messier – because you want it all.

– Meredith

Readers? Should the LW ask about a timeline for meeting the kids? Is next summer reasonable for a move-in? Is it fair to ask to meet another adult in his life now?

Dating Divorce Kids Single parents