I worry she's moved on

Friday | October 20, 2023

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

I worry she’s moved on

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Dear Meredith,

I am asking about rekindling a relationship. Two years ago, my ex-girlfriend and I met on the app Coffee Meets Bagel (as a caffeine addict, she’s the coffee). On our second date, we both agreed that if we stopped dating, we wanted to become friends because of how compatible our personalities are.

Luckily, for over a year, that was no issue. We had a wonderful relationship, one where we never stopped appreciating or learning more about one another. Then, in January of this year, she broke up with me because of our differences about time together. She valued work over love, and I usually wanted to spend more time with her. She felt she wasn’t able to give me what I wanted, and I understood. When we said goodbye, we decided to have a period of no contact.

About five months later we ran into each other on the street one evening. We decided to go for a walk and talk, catching up on our lives. We slipped right back into our old dynamic, laughing and supporting each other. When we decided to call it a night, it was 4 a.m. Three days later, we ran into each other again, prompting a discussion about whether we should get back together. It was tough timing, though, because I was leaving the city and finishing my graduate degree at the time. We decided we both wanted to be together again in the future if circumstances were right. She advocated for an extended period of no contact again as I left the city, so we could both reflect on our feelings.

We are soon to catch up and talk again. I know I want to be with her, but I’m scared she might no longer feel the same way. When we caught up this summer, we realized we’ve found more common ground on issues of time (she now wants to prioritize love over work) and the idea of children one day, our two biggest differences. I miss her, but I worry she might have moved on or that things might not ultimately change if we do get back together. I’m going through a period of transition in my life now, and she will be too next year. We love each other and want to be together. Is this worth trying again? And if so, how might we build a stronger relationship?

– Bagel

I can’t predict the future. All I know is that every possible path here can lead to a good outcome.

If you both decide try a romantic relationship again, you’ll get so many answers to your questions. You’ll experience how she’s changed and what it feels like to share more values. Maybe it’ll be easier to give her space because you’ll both be making so many moves.

What happens if she doesn’t want to pursue this again? Well … if that’s where she is after considering her feelings, you’ll be disappointed. All-caps level DISAPPOINTED. But then you’ll get over it. You’ll accept that timing isn’t everything, but it means a lot. There are so many almost-perfect partners out there who aren’t available when we are, so there’s no hope for more.

That’s the real advice here. If it doesn’t work now, you can move on instead of pausing your life for later.

The good news: you’ve both communicated well about your hopes, needs, and where you are at any given moment. That helps a lot. Hopefully that means you won’t be tabling this decision yet again.

Good luck with the talk. I hope it’s the news you want.

No matter what happens, remember that the promise of friendship on Date 2 was made way too early. I assume you know that, and that you only mentioned it to explain your compatibility, but I’m bringing it up, just in case. There’s no need to stay friends with exes if it doesn’t feel right.

– Meredith

Readers? Advice as the LW waits? If it’s not great news, tips for moving on? What about building a stronger relationship?

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Featured Comment

“This whole idea of ‘an extended period of no contact’ is just wasting time. One of you is trying to put off the difficult conversation of saying ‘No!’ while the other clings to hope.”

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