If he proposed right now, I'd say no

Friday | December 1, 2023

Love Letters Breakups 🖤

If he proposed right now, I’d say no

What’s on your mind these days (and nights)? Happy with your relationship status?

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I’ve been in a relationship with my partner for three years. I broke up with him last year because I felt there was a double standard in our relationship. After six months of being apart, we decided to try and work things out. We have been going to couples counseling and things are still challenging.

How do you know when someone is the person you’re supposed to be with? I ask myself this question regularly, and I’m just confused. Are relationships supposed to be this hard? Are we trying to make something that isn’t meant to be work because we see the good parts of each other?

I used to know that I would say yes if he asked me to marry him, and now if he asked me tomorrow, I would say no. Is it normal to question things or have this much doubt? I love him and care about him. Maybe I’m just too much in my own head.

Sincerely,

– Am I doing this right

Almost all relationships have difficult moments, even long periods of discomfort.

But if the default state is this, you can let go.

You said it best in your letter. Sometimes we stick around because we have history with a person – and because we know there’s good in them. As if all other breakups are caused by a person suddenly being evil! Most of the time people are OK – even great – but they’re simply not a good match for us forever.

This is why so many breakups are confusing and complicated – because there’s still something wonderful about the other person, still a big part of them that could be enjoyed and saved.

I remember being broken up with years ago and asking a now-ex whether he still loved and cared about me. He said, “Of course.” But that wasn’t the point. We weren’t a happy couple, and we were better off loving and caring about each other from afar. (To that man: thank you.)

If it’s this difficult after three years, and you’d say no to a marriage proposal, talk in counseling about separating. It sounds like there’s no amount of work that can reboot how you feel. Honestly, you make it sound like a breakup would be an exhale for both of you.

Let a third party/professional guide you as you figure out what a life uncoupled might look like, and how you’d get there. Sometimes therapists are there to be a project manager as we say goodbye.

– Meredith

Readers? Any more work to be done here? We don’t know the worst of it, but … does it sound happy and loving enough to stick around? How do you know when you’re “supposed to” be with someone?

Breakups 🖤 Dating Marriage

Featured Comment

My view is that relationships take work to maintain; but it’s not supposed to be hard. Compatible couples who love each other, respect each other, enjoy each others company and communicate well make a good team to get through life’s difficult moments.

I wish you had elaborated on the double standards and what you’re working on in couple’s therapy. Without that information; I suggest just focusing on the present and how things are now instead of getting ahead of yourself with a proposal that hasn’t happened. Even if this proposal was to happen tomorrow and you’re as ambivalent as you are in this letter; the only proper response would be “no”.

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