Loyalty was the one thing he had going for him

Wednesday | November 29, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

Loyalty was the one thing he had going for him

I’m seeking letters about dating app fatigue, how friendships and socil groups change as romantic relationships grow … and, of course, all of the problems about getting over breakups. What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Submit an anonymous letter here or email [email protected].

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My boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for three years now. We are pretty close – close enough that I have lived with his parents and even his sisters.

The relationship has been a bit shaky because we’re both working to build a nonprofit that helps animals. We haven’t had much time to spend together outside of this project – no time for just us.

Recently, when he was on a trip and things were extra shaky between us – he was also worried about his day job – he drank a lot and shared a kiss with another tourist in that area.

He says it doesn’t mean anything, that the other woman is of no interest to him. He says he thought the kiss would make him feel better, but it made everything worse. He’s been apologizing.

I love him – sometimes way too much – but I’m not sure what should I do. I can’t get this image of them out of my head. He was never romantic with me. One of the reasons I’ve stayed by his side for so long is his loyalty. Now that it’s gone, I don’t know what should I do.

– Shaky

People make mistakes, even those who are loyal. Sometimes they engage in bad behavior to force a change in a relationship.

Perhaps this kiss can serve a great purpose. You and your partner have been overwhelmed by a project, with no real time for connection. Maybe, without this conflict, you would have continued that lonely journey. Now there’s reason to talk about how you got here, and what you want the relationship to look like in the future.

If this nonprofit activity has overwhelmed you, you might want to change the timeline or seek extra help. Maybe it makes sense to build more vacation into your shared schedule.

It would be nice to know if that’s something he even wants. What does a happy relationship look like to him? When has he enjoyed what you have? Were you ever psyched about the relationship at the same time?

Try to consider what he’s offering and whether loyalty is really the only thing on the list. If he’s not romantic enough by your standards, he might not be a great long-term partner for you. Maybe the kiss helped you realize that fidelity was the one thing you counted on – and really, there should be so much more.

Talk to him about all of this. I know we say that to so many letter writers, but usually that’s what’s necessary. I hope we can guide you with a good group of questions – but then it’s on you to ask them. You might start with a simple one: “Do you want to be in this relationship?” Both of you can answer and share your reasons.

If the discussion leads you to the conclusion that the love is gone, you’ll be OK. As you discuss, though, remember that the kiss isn’t everything. It’s a catalyst. A pause. Of course it’s a betrayal, but it’s also a tool.

Let this uncomfortable moment lead you to a better plan for what’s next.

– Meredith

Readers? If loyalty was it, should they be together? What questions would you ask the partner? Has a work project ever taken over – and threatened to ruin – a good relationship in your life?

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