I saw my friend's dad at a bar

Tuesday | December 5, 2023

Love Letters Relationships

I saw my friend’s dad at a bar

I’m seeking letters about dating app fatigue, how friendships and social groups change as romantic relationships grow … and, of course, all of the problems about getting over breakups. What’s on your mind about your relationship life? Submit an anonymous letter here or email [email protected].

Meredith,

I’ve been reading your column for many years now, and now I have a problem I cannot figure out on my own. I’m a 24-year-old single woman. I was out at a bar to meet friends and maybe meet someone new when I saw a guy I recognized with an empty seat beside him. I thought I knew him, and as I was walking over to him, a woman I knew from school approached him and sat down at the bar beside him. It was clear that he knew who she was, and worse, it was clear they knew each other. They were very familiar. Like they had been dating awhile.

Here’s the problem: He’s the father of a woman I knew from grad school. We had become friends, and I heard a lot about her family and her story. Her mom and dad had gotten divorced a few years prior, and that was very traumatic for her. The problem is: The woman he was with is still an undergraduate at my school, someone I had mentored. This woman is younger than me, and younger than my friend, this guy’s daughter!

What do I do? I am still good friends with this guy’s daughter, we meet up once or twice a month to keep in touch. I can’t imagine he has told his daughter that he’s dating someone younger than she is. I don’t want to tell her, but I don’t like the idea that her father might be serious about such a young partner. He’s about twice her age. There’s no way the relationship can last forever. I know the young woman, and I know she’s very optimistic and upbeat and I definitely don’t want her to get hurt by an older man who’s probably just looking for a fling. I don’t think I can keep this all to myself. But: How do I dare betray a friendship like this?

– Afraid To Cause A Scene

Let’s start with all you don’t know.

You don’t know anything about the relationship between your friend’s dad and this young woman. You don’t know who wants a fling, who doesn’t, and who might get hurt.

It’s possible your friend’s dad and this woman haven’t known each other long at all. You made a lot assumptions based on a few observations at the bar.

You also don’t know how your friend would feel about her dad’s choices. I mean, it’s fair to assume she’d be upset, but there’s no way to be sure.

You can tell this friend you saw her dad at a bar and see where the conversation takes you, I guess. But there’s also the option of sparing her – because really, she’s not entitled to the information. No crime is being committed (right?). No infidelity. One could say that if her dad has something to tell her, it’s on him to make that decision.

Whenever we get letters like this (usually from people who catch a friend’s spouse cheating), I tell letter writers to think about what information might be helpful to their loved one. In this case, I’m not sure it helps your friend to know more than she does. Her dad might make a zillion weird dating decisions before meeting someone who fits into his life. Or maybe he’ll fall in love with a nice recent college grad, tell his daughter about it, and have to deal with her reaction.

Sometimes the caring thing to do is let people live their lives and learn along the way. You would not be betraying your friend by keeping this information to yourself (in my opinion). You can see how it plays out and be there for her as she reconnects with her family post-divorce.

It’s not your secret, just something you saw at a bar.

– Meredith

Readers? Would you tell?

College 🖤 Divorce Friends Relationships

Featured Comment

“When my daughter was in college, she told me how one of her friends was having a fwb relationship with a well known actor my age. This guy has a daughter 10 yrs older than these college kids. Although there was an ick factor to it, no laws were broken. Two consenting adults, each getting presumably what they wanted.”

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